Swirling, Turning, Churning Mind

When your mind goes round and round and you are not sure what you are thinking, what you should be thinking, what you want to think, you just start to drown in your own thoughts. It could be possible that one’s mind is on overload but that seems to speak of short circuiting. Whatever it is, my mind is doing it.

Is there such a thing as too much fun? Spending a weekend with my three daughters to celebrate my seventy-fifth birthday was FUN! So much FUN! Maybe too much FUN! The weekend gift of togetherness was one of the best gifts my girls have given me. The gift of love is the best! They gifted me the best gift by being born! They gifted me with son-in-laws whom I love and along with those “sons” came my seven grandchildren! Grandchildren are an eternal gift of legacy!

The ending of our amazing weekend was my arrival at my own itty-bitty home which I cherish and share with my loving husband. An hour at home and I was dialing 911. Hubby had what seemed to be a life ending seizure. As I prayed, he roused and although not aware of who, what, where or when, he started breathing. My neighbors arrived before the EMS crew and witnessed some of the horrendous episode. He was transported to a local emergency room and admitted to ICU. My mind was swirling, twirling, and churning. This was brain bleed number four and seizure number two. Since that violent seizure he is home with me. His previous aphasia has improved, and his cognition has improved. The new anti-seizure medication side effects of drowsy and anorexia have affected him. His sense of humor has dulled.

Thoughts of a repeat of these historic events are trying to steal my joy and my peace. I refuse to live in fear and yet fear pokes at me occasionally and I tear up. I trust in grace, mercy, and peace. I read the definition of “sin” in the Hebrew scrolls is anything that disturbs Shalom, which is peace. I am determined this damn brain bleed and seizure will not steal my peace!

Knowing full well that I could go before hubby causes more swirling, twirling, and churning. Hubby’s family is not able to care for him. My children have their own dad to care for someday and their own families. My mind tries to mentally and on paper make definitive decisions for his care. The Veterans Care long term care facility is an option for his care. But what if he goes first? What will I do? Where will I go? Will I be alone? Will I have help? Will I be able to survive financially? I could sell my home. I could rent an apartment. I could live a few months at a time with each daughter. I could stay put. I could hope to share my home with a friend or not. I enjoy solitude. I will be okay. I am resourceful. I will figure it out. Peace! I have no worries. Why has my mind been swirling, twirling, and churning the past few days? I seriously will thrive no matter what happens. Now I am aggravated with myself for my self-doubt of survival. I am a survivor. I am a strong woman. I trust my creator for protection, provision, and pleasure.

My hubby? Me? We love Jesus. Jesus loves us. If we are gifted more years of life we win. If our life on earth is ended, we win. We remind each other of that frequently. We can “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” “Until Then.” The old Dottie Rambo song, “One Day At A Time” becomes intimate during “In Times Like These”. “I Don’t Know Who Holds Tomorrow But I Know Who Holds My Hand.” “No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus” and “I Need Thee Every Hour” are old hymns of comfort and security. But since this is a post on my Funny Grams blog, I suppose I should add “Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die.” “Love is a Many Splendored Thing” so love, love, love! “All You Need Is Love” If you are not a boomer you may not understand my musical Tourette’s, but it is my Funny Gram!

Janie Roberts Davis 04/13/2025