FUNNY HOW RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE, ISN’T IT?

I have always been fascinated by the “stages of life.” Even before learning all the psychological theories like Jung, Maslow, Freud, Erikson, Johnson and Mr. Rogers, the intrigue regarding the stages or cycles of life has been ever present in my mind. That could be one of the answers behind the “why” of my empathetic spirit. I want to know deeper what makes one “tick.”

You have heard the phrase “from cradle to the grave.” What goes on from cradle to the grave? Should it actually start from swimmer to the egg? That definitely begins the bonding period, that time when love is shared between two people, the joy of creation! (There is no need for the reminder that it is not always romantic love or that it may be an act of violence or incest. I am not naïve enough to believe all conception is from magical Hallmark kind of romance or love.) Back to the story.

My grandchildren, all seven of them, are loving, mirror images of their parents. I take pleasure in knowing, despite my many mistakes as a mother, I either did something right or my daughters learned from my mistakes and became much better mothers than their example. My sons-in-law are great dads as well, so one assumes the same about their parents. With one adult grandson and three eighteen-year-old grands, and three teen grands, life for family gatherings has certainly changed. Let us resume thoughts on the stages or cycles of life.

As a grandmother I long to be involved in the lives of my grandchildren. My shadow self recognizes the missed opportunities of being involved in my own children’s lives. Forty-four and fifty plus years later, memories of my children growing up have faded more than I ever dreamed. I thought I would hold those memories until the end of time. How does one miss opportunities for involvement in the lives of one’s children? In my case it was the expectations of the church, social demands, work, furthering education, clinical depression, ignorance of opportunities and lack of money. At best that is my explanation. What keeps me from being involved more in their lives now? I could answer, I do not know. But I do know, and I feel naked sharing the reasons. Is it okay to say I am afraid of interfering in their lives? Is it okay to say my energy level is deficient? Is it okay to say my husband’s health isolates us? Is it okay to say all of that? It is all true. My mother was “up in my business” always. She tried to tell me how to raise my children, how to run my life in every area. I shy away from giving my children or grandchildren advice and being in their way. I stay away because “I don’t want to be like my mother.” That is certainly a wounded reason. We react out of our own woundedness.

The stages of life or cycles of life affect family relationships. Teenage kids are busy with their discovery of who they are. They are overwhelmed with passion for their everything! School, activities, sports, friends, society, spiritual beliefs, their changing body, hormones and on and on it goes. Their parents are challenged with the responsibilities of parenting, nurturing, finances, provision, instruction, health. You know, they strive to make sure their kids become good people and have a great future. Grandparents must find their place. Be there when called upon. Be there to celebrate. Be understanding. Grandparents can love and be loved from a distance. It is okay. When my girls were teens, visiting “grandparents” was not their number one choice of “what do you want to do today” adventures. They loved going to visit my parents so they could see cousins. They loved my parents but seriously, what do teenagers have in common with grandparents except love and shared blood? A sermon I recently heard reminded listeners that grandchildren probably do not even know the names of their grandparents. I made sure to share ancestry with my grands and let them know our names. Grandparents cherish their special names, but grands should know their legal family names. You do agree, don’t you? I enjoy doing research on Ancestry.com and have shared my access with my grands. Randomly one will ask me questions about our family heritage. My brothers also ask me for clarification about stories they vaguely remember being handed down from our grandparents and parents. I certainly have no intention of living in the past, but I enjoy learning about the lives of those who lived before. I feel a relationship with my ancestors. Their lives, their circles of love and cycles of life and relationships generated our generation and generations to come.

Last night I was with my grandson who is leaving for college this week. He kept hugging me and his grandpa’s and repeatedly said, “I love my grandparents.” What a thrill for all of us hearing those words and feeling those hugs from our grown-up grandchild. While we were all together my daughter shared tips they learned in the parent college orientation. One stuck out and I have been processing it all day. “Don’t hover or smother.” What great advice to parents. My mother used to say, “go my child, you have my blessing” declaring never to say, “stay my child, you are my blessing.” I adopted that phrase and told my girls to spread their wings and fly.

Realizing my daughters and their husbands will soon have their children away from home made me consider how their lives will change. Their journey through life will take on the mystery of “what’s next?” as they anticipate their families growing including new relationship building. Our families will say goodbye to their grandparents, including me, parents will become grandparents, and the children will become parents. The cycles of life never end, and the circles of love go round and round. Our family is what it is because once upon a time a swimmer and an egg started the process of relationships and growing our family. Thank you, Lord, for life!

Janie Roberts Davis 8/20/2025