Anticipation Of Loss And Celebration- It's All About Me

Unexpected loss happens. It is devastating. One has a challenging time accepting the truth and reality of that loss. The WHY’s fill thoughts that seem to never end. We know eventually everybody is going to die. Scripture tells us “It is appointed unto man once to die…” That knowledge does not minimize fear, stages of grief or love loss. That knowledge does not prepare us for the unexpected.

My sister-in-law is anticipating the death of her mother soon. My neighbor friend, Bob, is anticipating the death of his sister soon. Our family has experienced many hours waiting by the bedside of loved ones anticipating death. Our family has experienced the unexpected and tragic death of our dear Sarah Brooke Roberts Hart.

I know too well various emotions my sister-in-law is experiencing from watching and waiting for my own mother to make her journey. I sit here contemplating how my friend, Bob, must feel anticipating the death of his sister. I have siblings and I shutter to think of losing one of them. They are part of me. We have shared parents, upbringing, spiritual training, abuse, joys, disappointments, anticipated loss, unexpected loss, stories of courtship and marriage, career planning, starting our families, raising kids, grandkids and the list goes on. We are now sharing thoughts on growing old, aging spouses, retirement, and memories of our past. I know in the next few years the reality of life will bring more anticipated loss. The older one gets the more goodbyes.

All the above makes one acutely aware of their own mortality. I am having a birthday in a few days. I will be seventy-five years old. My precious girls have arranged a birthday weekend for me. Just me and my girls. Absolutely nothing in this world could be more exciting for me. This gathering of “we four” will be monumental for me. Celebration Anticipation indeed!

Back to the thoughts of Bob anticipating the loss of his older sister, I remember Mama going to the hospital to have my brothers. Wendell William was born in 1954, and Raymond Allen was born in 1956. Jokingly they say I am the “much older” sister. I am the much older sister. Under normal circumstances my journey will come before that of my brothers. I am hopeful I do not have to grieve the loss of my brothers, my children, or my grandchildren. That seems like a great escape from suffering loss. I think about my days being numbered. If I lived twenty years longer, I would be ninety-five years old. I thought my great-grandmother lived to be one hundred and three but checking ancestry dates she died when she was ninety-one. My mom lived to be ninety-four.

At my age I am content. I love my life. I love caring for my husband. I love hearing from my family. I love spending time with my creator in solitude and contemplating what life is all about.

My children are all self-sufficient. They have families of their own and are on the verge of being empty nesters. They love me. They want me but they do not need anything from me but an occasional hug and cheerleading. I am happy they have arrived and am proud of who they are and how they live their lives. My dreams for them are nearly fulfilled. I wanted to be a mother who wanted FOR my children, not FROM my children. My mother said, “Go my child, you have my blessing” and I have repeated her, “Go my child, you have my blessing” with my girls. I added “spread your wings and fly.”

I share with you acknowledged wishes on my list, an emotional bucket list. My wishes are actually HOPES. I hope I will not be disabled, bedridden or chair ridden requiring total care. I hope I will not burden my children or grandchildren with responsibilities for my physical care, emotional care, or financial care. I hope I leave this world peacefully and without a dramatic exit. I hope my family will say, “so long it’s been good to know you” and continue going on with their lives. It would be great listed as a hero or great contributor to life in history books but most of us are just heroes of our own story and great contributors in life to a few family members and friends. I find myself interfering in the lives of my busy kids and grandkids with stupid texts messages or thought-provoking texts. I questioned myself as to the reason. It dawned on me why I bother them with this useless communication. (This sounds contradictory to my “Go my child” and I want to be a mother FOR them and not FROM them.) It is because I want to be remembered, to know they think of me. I want inclusion in their lives. I am genuinely interested and entertained by their activities, accomplishments, and life experiences. I do hope that when I leave my grands will tell my elephant joke, sing my silly songs and share them with their children and grandchildren. That may be all I can leave them. I do wish they would carry on with remembrances of special occasions for each other. I do wish they would not say “I will pray for you” but pray on the spot a simple prayer of Healthy, Wealthy, Wise, or Protection, Provision, Pleasure, or Lord, help or Lord, let it be or fix it Lord! When I breathe my last breath, I would like to be food for the animals and fertilizer for the ground. Everybody pull up a chair and tell a joke or sing silly songs and say good-bye with a smile knowing I am happy and singing a new song. ANTICIPATE AND CELEBRATE!

Janie Roberts Davis 04/03/2025